Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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