When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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