my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
vagina is talking i cant
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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