you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
