I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
