Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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