you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
