Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
