i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
