1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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