i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
