Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
