thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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