Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
