Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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