I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
