dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
