i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
