I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
