I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
