You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I want a musical about memes.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
