Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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