Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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