Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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