A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
zippers are such a cool invention
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
