Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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