I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
