I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
