Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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