Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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