I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
