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The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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