it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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