No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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