I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
