woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I am midnight drunk by noon
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Randomize
