I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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