fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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