Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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