Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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