I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize