my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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