Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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