Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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