so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
