I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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