So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
