I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
