dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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