where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
