So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
