True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
and she was petting her beer can
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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