Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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