yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
