Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
All the doctor said was why
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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