i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
