the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
