A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
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I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
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Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
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